Ayo BOOM!

So check it: 

20 years ago, I was down in Atlanta paying a little visit to my old side piece - just chillin’ and hangin’ and smokin’ and bangin’. 

You know the deal. 

Anyway, my girl and I were on the couch coolin’ watching Monk or some shit when all of a sudden my pager starts blowing up. Remember - this was 20 years ago. 

When I finally checked who had been annihilating my damn line, I was pretty surprised to see it was my boy Marco - an old friend I met bussing tables at Blanchard’s back in ‘87. Turned out Marco knew I was in town and told me he was in the middle of an emergency. I had to meet him ASAP. 

Marco started a catering company in ATL a few years beforehand and had done pretty well with it. The only problem was - he had trouble holdin’ onto staff members. Why? Well, probably ‘cause Marco was one of the biggest assholes to ever spawn out of the Lower East Side. 

Still, we practically grew up together, so I was inclined to help him out, especially since my side chick was starting to annoy the shit outta me and my flight back to New York wasn’t touching down ‘til almost a week from then. 

But I milked it a bit. I mean, I basically left his ass on “read” and let a few beeps out the pager go ahead and ring out until I finally got on the phone with him. 

Now, at the time all this was goin’ down, all Marco told me was that he had just booked the biggest job he ever had and that he needed help desperately - and immediately. Said he’d be forever indebted to me if I would just meet him on some studio lot and help him out for the day. 

Against my better motherfuckin’ judgment - I obliged. 

I borrowed some crumpled-up black shirt from my side piece’s brother and made my way to Marco. He made me ‘Banquet Captain’ and all I had to do was keep an eye on all the fruits and pretzels and cold beverages and such and make sure everything was well stocked. Too easy.

Anyway, the movie being filmed on set wound up being Like Mike 2 starring none other than Lil’ Bow Wow. One of the PAs told me His Airness was gonna show up - but that was a lie. I wasn’t close to the action, but I was close enough to hear the slate. 

 

 

Things went smooth for the first few hours. Me, all like - “here, have an apple!” or “Yo those empanadas are the bomb, right, chief?”

The day took a turn when I heard “CUT!” And a whole new wave of people from set made their way to the catering table. I stepped aside naturally, y’know, so as to not hover over them. Still, I stayed close enough to answer the one question I kept hearing over and over... “Is this gluten-free?”

Now if you know me you know I’m hella good about keeping my patience - but this one kid? He wouldn’t stop talkin’. 

Questions on questions on questions: “Are there GMOs in these snacks?”, “Are these organic?”... I didn’t know who this kid was but he was irritating as shit. I mean I heard these child actor kids were a handful but there was something else going on. This kid - he was just annoying!

I didn’t know whose child this was. I mean was he in the cast? The son of a wealthy producer? Some bum-ass nepo-baby?

I didn’t know shit. All I knew was he was weaseling me out. So I said, “Listen, little man, quit bothering me and just ask your Pops what you should or shouldn’t eat”.

The kid turned around slowly and dramatically. He clearly felt disrespected and had a complete meltdown next to some gummy bears. 

Little did I realize - it was the star of the movie “Lil’ Bow Wow”.

I didn’t recognize him. Why the hell would I? - I remember having the first movie on in the background laying pipe one night and being somewhat amused by it but I didn’t place him. 

I had no clue the chain of events I set off with one “Lil” comment. 

My “little man” bullshit launched this kid into a complete and total tantrum. 

Kid was literally kicking and screaming. He even threw a croissant in my damn face!

At first, I didn’t know what to do, but after that croissant assault? Shit, I tensed up and asked Little Man if he needed a nap. 

Anyway, shit flew off the handle. They had the whole set shut down and everything. Marco was pissed but not pissed enough to hold anything I said against me.

As we were packing up, I heard Little Man get on the phone with who I believe was his manager. I heard him say that the whole “Little Man” statement was the final damn straw. 

Made him think that having the “Lil’” in his professional name made people not take him seriously. Apparently, the kid had just broken the record for ‘Most Times Punk’d’ and someone had put in his head that he might get an MTV Movie Award and put an end to Ashton’s Punking by making a Like Mike sequel. But now? That delusion was gone. 

He knew no one took his little ass seriously. 

An executive showed up to resolve this issue and the argument got a bit explosive. Despite the fact all the posters and promotional material had been finalized and ready for a merchandise rollout, Little Man felt like no one would take him seriously if he kept acting like a kid. He wouldn’t finish the movie. He refused it. 

Despite a cute little pitch about “embracing the little-ness” and “being an idol for little-ass kids everywhere” - the talent was unamused.

My Little Man felt like he would never get his way and stomped outta there - never to return to set.

Like Mike 2 with Mr. “Bow Wow” never saw the light of day. It was recast and repurposed by the studio - released as a straight-to-video jawn.

As for me? I went back to my side piece. Hit that shit one last time and made my way back to the old ‘hood. 

Sad to say but I never did speak to Marco again. I hear he’s a regular fixture at Tyler Perry’s studio now. 

Happy for him. 

And as far as Bow Wow goes - I heard he hooked up with one of them girls from Love and Hip Hop. You know, the one from all those screamin’ memes? 

Happy for him, too. 

All’s well that ends well. 

Still, I think I would’a liked to have seen that movie. 

 

Aight, stay up.

- Francisco.